I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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