if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
