We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
