Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
