OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
