I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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