i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
