this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
