Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
