census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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