I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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