Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
