Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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