We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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