I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
