Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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