i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
