and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
