do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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