Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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