Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
