if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
