How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
