dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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