every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
