youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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