It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
