Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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