I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
