Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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