Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
