im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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