Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
