dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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