i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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