I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
