help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
