Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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