I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
