They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
