after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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