he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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