Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
