Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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