Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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