His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
