I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
