Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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