It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
