yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
worst night to have a conscience
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
